It's been a wonderful last few days. My home has been filled with the presence of G-d because Claudia, Ricardo and I have taken the time to delight ourselves in Him COMPLETELY.
Ricardo even felt from the L-rd that he should get oil and have us all anointed before HaShem's presence. It was very special and wow... words cannot describe.
My lessons for this year have been many, but one last thing that I learned several nights ago, right before Rosh HaShanah, was not only to let the events of the past few weeks go but to also recognize that we must stop seeking friendships that don't benefit us in the least.
When I was a model back in the 90's everyone wanted a piece of me. (Sounds so weird, LOL... but those who knew me back then know that I am not kidding) It was a horrible truth I had difficulty with back in those days. My parents were constantly on guard and my father would go with me to EVERY SINGLE casting and EVERY SINGLE shoot. It was a very stressful and odd stage in my life and it was even more stressful to have my dad breathing down my neck and down the director's neck. Most of those t.v. producers were from Argentina and they had temper issues... and when you mix that with a hard headed Jewish dad, it's deadly stuff.
The vulchers would scatter whenever they saw my dad. He knew that this type of environment was dangerous for me, and later on it almost proved fatal. If I survived the most hurtful event of my life, was because G-d must have had a plan. That simple. G-d kept me alive.
I was more comfortable doing radio since I had family in the entertainment business and I had "easy" access to that sort of thing, but then after the incident I retreated and became this horribly shy hermit. Tons of friends, but none that I would ever allow too close to my heart. Those same friends vanished when I vanished from "the scene".
Bit by bit, I have allowed G-d to take care of that. At times I wonder if I have had any progress, because I have chickened out of so many opportunities. If someone is your true friend, they will never care about your physical appearance or about your illnesses or handicaps.
When I had beauty and popularity people couldn't get past that in order to love me for my heart. Now that beauty is somewhat gone, people can't get past THAT in order to love me for my heart.
Ironic, isn't it? This shallow world does not have one single person out there who doesn't seek out another in true friendship unless they are able to get something in return. Then, once they have what they wanted, you are once more invisible.
True friendship. Does that even exist anymore?
My grandmother has a box of cards that she mails out every single year. She taught me as a child that a true friend never forgets birthdays and that a true friend should never stop seeking the opportunity to give without expecting anything in return. For years I carried on with her ways and made this my own personal mission, never forgetting a birthday and making sure that I would always find ways to give joy to someone, even in simple things... a book, a card, a movie gift certificate or a simple phone call.
Throughout the years, I have sifted out the people who like to take from me and those who like to receive from me. Those who like to receive from me already know that I give expecting nothing back. Those who take, do so afraid and paranoid that they have to respond to me a certain way. In other words, they only call when they need a favor and once they get what they came looking for they scram. Wow. What has this world done to people for them to become so increasingly paranoid? Where is G-d's love in these people who proclaim to know G-d, but then treat others like they themselves wouldn't want to be treated?
I can count my true friends with one hand. One. Everyone else has placed me and countless others in their "Who Cares" category.
I don't necessarily like Rick Warren because although his teachings sound good, my spirit feels just a bit uncomfortable with who he has become. Then again, there are a few quotes here and there that are right on the money. One quote of his that I totally agree with is this one:
"Never let flatterers into your inner circle. They are users, not friends"
So here is my advice to all of you out there...
When someone who never usually reaches out to find out how you are doing makes a sudden attempt to act as a friend and then asks you for something... do what you can to help, but don't expect them to call until they need that same favor the following year. As a matter of fact, end your conversation with "Nice for you to take the initiative to call. Glad everyone is ok. Here is your favor and don't worry... I'll still be around next year when you need this favor again."
LOL!
Yup. Sigh... true friendship. Who has the time, right?
Here is my personal statement and shout out to those creepy people out there who seriously need a reality check:
"Welcome to Planet Who Cares... where you even find people who are paranoid when you ask them if they want something for their birthday. Chillax people! Birthdays were meant for cards and little gifts. If those are way too insignificant and you only get excited about free admissions to an amusement park, then my most sincere apology."
I am simply being a REAL friend. Not a hypocrite. Not a nuisance.Then again, if a person doesn't care for another person's friendship... be honest and speak up. Tell them. Say it with words. Sending mixed signals is simply wrong. I don't have to befriend everyone I meet, but I don't have to pretend to be their friend either! It makes one wonder if people who do that somehow share with others that one is nothing other than their little personal joke. I've seen people do this all the time and it is very sad.
If you have forgotten what real friends are like, perhaps it would be a good idea to take a serious look within yourselves to achieve greater perspective. Perhaps the reason you can't recognize true friendship when you see it is because you are oblivious to it, since it is obvious that you can't receive what you yourself are unable to give."
Right now, though, I am relaxing in the L-rd and literally inhaling the book Finding Favor with the King, by Tommy Tenney. This is my second round through it and I just totally love it!
This last year was one of feast and famine, and through it all G-d loved my family. No regrets. None.
A better part of wisdom is to take those things which have hurt you and learn from them. How can you regret a good lesson learned? You can't. My hope is to grow better and not bitter from the events of the past year. It's been a tough one... wow!
Another lesson? People are not always who they appear to be and often times this ends up affecting our level of trust. How you deal with it, however, will either make you stronger or make the wound much deeper.
Forgiveness is a choice and one must first learn to ask for forgiveness and take that initiative before the presence of G-d, regardless of who is wrong and who isn't. None of us are righteous. We all come short, but G-d has enough mercies each morning for each and every one.
My final Rosh HaShanah lesson? Good boundaries are always good. Bad boundaries keep you isolated and lonely.
Gotta make sure I establish the good boundaries. The ones that allow me to say what I need to say when I need to say it, after asking G-d for the right attitude and words.
The Chinese Bamboo takes five years to sprout. For five years you see nothing. If you stop watering it during those five years, it dies, but if you carefully water and fertilize it every single year for the entire five years, it suddenly shoots up and in less than six weeks it grows up to 90 feet!!! Some of us are the same way.
We don't see our growth at times, even though we know that G-d is watering our faith and sending knowledge our way, which we slowly absorb. Deep in our hearts, all these roots are growing and growing and preparing us to withstand the amazing outward growth that is to take place in due time. We don't see it, but it's there. It's coming. We may not see the light right now, but when we finally shoot up to the sky and G-d's purpose for our lives is fulfilled, we will then be able to see from up there EVERYTHING that we could not quite grasp from down below.
I am such a bamboo, but my roots are growing and I am still alive. G-d won't let me die.
One day whether in life or in death I too will shoot up to the heavens!
L'Shanah Tovah Tikatevu to all!
