This morning I woke up tired, yet excited because I like to plan things ahead for my kids that I know they will enjoy.
Vital to being a good parent is making HaShem the center of our lives.
Do I want to live? Yes.
Do I want to live for Him. Ohhh yes.
Do I want to live to give Him ALL of me? Absolutely.
Regardless of my condition... REGARDLESS, I keep going. Wait. Correction. HE KEEPS ME GOING.
Do I want to stop? Noooooooooooooooooooo.
Do I feel loved enough to keep on going?
Yes.
G-d loooooooooooooves me.
People have asked me why I don't open my heart to a possible relationship. This subject always comes up close to Holiday season because several friends assume that I feel lonely without a special someone during special occasions.
Let me make one thing clear, health situation aside (because G-d promised to heal me and I hold on to that promise each and every day).
I do at times feel lonely, and I do find myself looking at couples during service wondering what it would feel like to be married and have a husband place his arm around me. I see that in congregations a lot, and well... I just wonder. Must feel special, I'm sure.
Men who are not ashamed to do that in public must really love their wives, so I figured that someone who really loved me wouldn't mind doing the same for me.
Silly, huh!
Just a thought.
Then, there are times when I am soooooo incredibly happy with life as it is.
Spending time with my kids and making sure that they are happy, pretty much keeps me from falling into the "nostalgic zone".
Besides, I already have a special someone.
Let me just tell you how special He is to me.
When I was truly alone during the most difficult moment of my life, He loved me.
After I ran away from Him, failed Him and betrayed Him, He took me back.
When I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep during my first pregnancy, G-d sat there by my side. I did not have a husband to bring me something yummy to eat in the middle of the night when I craved it. I sat alone during prenatal classes while others had their husbands there. When I gave birth, it was a nurse who took pictures of my baby as she was being born, but Yeshua was there loving me through it all.
When I failed Him again, seeking love where I knew I would never find it and got pregnant, once more He took me back. As I struggled to raise two children all by myself, and wondered about the future... He was there to remind me that He would never abandon me.
Shortly after Ricardo was born, I got on my knees and reconciled one last time with G-d. I remember I had my baby in my arms and I was crying soooo hard that my chest was hurting, probably because my heart was breaking and G-d had to give me a new one.
You see, I felt alone... but I had never been alone. Even after I decided to follow G-d with all of my heart, things didn't get any easier. If anything they got more difficult. Why?
Well, because when you are in the world, you just keep doing what you want and don't care, but when you choose to follow Yeshua you must let go of your old self and follow through with what He requires of You.
Being the slow learner that I am, that part did not come easy to me.
My stubborness often got the best of me, and to tell you the truth, at times it still does. I have a submissive personality, but I am not very good at trusting G-d when it comes to certain aspects of my life. I've gotten much better, but I'm still a work in progress.
In eight years I have matured in the L-rd, but I don't think that I will ever stop learning and growing in Him. There is no end to that process.
So because He stood by my side through thick and thin, I have decided to be entirely His through thick and thin.
Do I want a husband?
Hmmm... I have thought about it. I won't lie. Then again, when reality sets in and my personal struggles are soothed by G-d's peace and perfect love ... I feel quite complete in the L-rd. I also believe (and I struggle with this a lot) that no one out there would love me like this. You know... with my limp. Stuff like that can get in the way of a man's pride. Men like to be seen with pretty ladies who can wear heels and walk the walk.
Because I've been the object of little cruel jokes, I know what I'm saying.
Would I make a good wife?
I don't know.
I suppose.
If being a wife involves loving and giving, giving, giving... then it's right down my alley.
Then again, my L-rd has been as giving and as loving and I have received from Him what I have never received from a man.
Only G-d has done that for me.
With that said, this holiday season I won't have a loving arm around me in service, but I will have my arms wrapped around the most beautiful children in the world!
Mine!
Feels just as good to give love as it does to receive it.
At this point I don't need the affections of a man as much as I need G-d's unconditional love.
Shalom!
